Coming Home: My Self-Love Journey
I grew up in a family and during a time where self-love and self-care were seen as frivolous and indulgent—perhaps nice-to-have, but surely not necessary. As a young child, I remember witnessing my mother work extremely hard, both within the home and in our family business, day in and day out, without taking time for herself most days, to unwind, focus on her health and well-being or to simply just be (versus constantly doing and being available for others). While my father followed a similar lifestyle, I do recall him carving out time for self-care in the form of volleyball.
As I grew up I would eventually learn that taking care of my needs, being compassionate with myself and giving myself grace were incongruent with a winning attitude. I am not sure how or where I learned this to be exact, but I remember thinking that taking time to just relax or chill out would mean being left behind, because successful people used every minute they had at their disposal to do things, or at least plan things they were going to do, so that they could always remain ahead of the pack. I was consistently a high-achiever in every aspect of my life, for all my life, and I don’t actually think I ever even considered what life would be like if I wasn’t always at the top of every ladder I dared (or was required) to climb.
As a young adult, I often subjected myself to harsh criticism about any and every facet in my life, thinking this was a great way to motivate myself. I graduated from 3 university programs, including graduate school, with honours and on scholarship. I won academic and non-academic awards, while managing to work (I was determined to save for my future), work out daily, volunteer and maintain an active social life.
It was not until I was in my late 20s that I began to notice how different my life was than the lives of most my friends and acquaintances. I began to realize this when I would become critical of my friends, co-workers and even my younger sister because they dared to take time off— entire days!!!— to just relax and enjoy life (the nerve!). I remember having a conversation with one of my good friends (at a job we both worked at) about what kind of people took sick days! I actually never dared to even think about taking a sick day, not because I didn’t get sick, but because my work ethic simply wouldn’t allow it. The first time I took a sick day was during pregnancy, and even then I felt guilty about it!
Although I thankfully never crashed and burned, despite working two full-time jobs while in graduate school, close to my 30th birthday I remember feeling slightly unmotivated, overextended and ineffective. No one noticed it or made it known to me, but I remember thinking and feeling that there had to be more to life than working hard, being the best at everything and living my life the only way I knew how to and had all my life. I suppose, looking back now, that I was on the cusp of burn-out.
I didn’t even know where to begin to rectify the plight I found myself in, and I did not dare to speak about it with anyone for fear of judgment, so I suffered in silence for many months, all the while hoping and praying for a miracle. As the law of the Universe and serendipity would have it, that winter, a friend gifted me a book that would open my mind and my life to the potential of a whole new reality — “The Seat of the Soul” by Gary Zukav.
Months later, I started a new job in the field of Children’s Mental Health, where I was introduced to Mindfulness by my Supervisor, who is now also a dear friend and mentor. Although I did not develop nor engage in a regular practise until many years afterward, simply learning about the fundamentals of Mindfulness was, in many ways, truly life changing for me, because I had never considered or come across the simple yet profound practises of letting go and letting be, non-judging and especially beginner’s mind and non-striving. All my life I had done the exact opposite: I had strived, judged (myself and others), held on to everything you can imagine, both tangible and intangible (souvenirs from every trip I had ever gone on, petals from flowers that had long wilted and dried up, grudges, expectations, control, etc..) and approached life with preconceived notions.
It was not until I had my first child that I really took charge of my emotional and mental well-being and, as a result, propelled my Kindfulness journey (read more about that here) full throttle. It was during this time in my life that I learned to see myself for who I was, and to love myself, as perfectly imperfect. Among the many mind-shattering revelations I have discovered since then was the etiology of my views and beliefs about self-love and self-care. One of the most insightful learnings for me was that my views about self-love and self-care were the product of a culture clash and schism between the worlds that my parents and I grew up in and inhabited.
My parents both immigrated to the Americas as teens. Although I lived in the same shadows of self-love that they did, for the first few decades of my life, I eventually exercised the privilege of deciding that amassing physical wealth for the purpose of helping others (and at the cost of sometimes sacrificing my own needs) was not what I wanted to do and focus on in my life. I wanted to thrive, live for my highest purpose, with my mental, emotional, spiritual and physical health and well-being in tact. I wanted to be the best version of myself for myself, my loved ones and everyone else. While my parents survived and thrived in many ways, despite the stresses along their journey, they gave up so much of themselves, at a cost to themselves, in order to be for others what they could not even be for themselves. I did not wish to replicate this cycle and instead sought to build a life with the intention of listening to my body and meeting its needs, rather than solely focusing on abiding by the expectations society had set for me; I was sure that this was the only true way to serve my highest purpose and to be the best version of myself for myself, my loved ones and the world at large. Besides, I had clearly figured out that working with the intention of satisfying others and amassing wealth and prestige were not bringing me the satisfaction, joy and peace of mind I seemed to desperately crave.
Want to know how I got started on my Self-Love Journey and what I did to re-invent my life and the way I was living it? Stay tuned for Part 2 “Learning to Trust Myself”.
Haver you taken a similar journey or are you currently on a similar path? I would love to hear from you if so, because there is so much we can learn from each others’ journeys about how to create a more joyful, satisfying, fulfilling life without needing to be more and have more. As always, feel free to share your comments for all to read below, e-mail me at info@kindfulliving.ca or connect with me on Instagram @Kindful_Living. I look forward to hearing from you!