The Principles of Kindfulness
It is easy to take for granted the journey I have travelled to re-wire my brain, actually my entire life, since I began regularly practising Kindfulness a few years ago. It’s usually not until I find myself supporting those who are new to the practice, or in this case, facilitating an online program for busy families who are developing a Kindfulness practise that they can share with their children, that I take a step back to consider the tenets of this life-changing practice.
Last week, I was posed with a question by a parent who was curious about how she could share with her loved ones what it is that her family is undertaking and hoping to achieve, with their Kindfulness journey. As I was sharing the core principles of Kindfulness with her, I thought it would be a great subject to also share with you all, my dear readers, because it truly is a great way for beginners and veterans alike to frame this simple yet profound practice.
Please note that while Mindfulness has its own core principles, I have added Compassion to the list so that my overview encompasses the true spirit of Kindfulness.
Non-Judging
We often view what happens to us (experiences), as well as inanimate objects (i.e. food) in diametrically opposing terms—as either good or bad. Mindfulness reminds us that nothing is actually good or bad and that everything is actually neutral. However, things may seem as if they are inherently good or bad because of how we perceive them, which is often the result of social conditioning.
Sometimes, automatic judgments take over so fast and inform our choices that we fail to even realize that this has happened. So, in order to recognize and appreciate our prejudices, we need to cultivate awareness of when we’re making judgments automatically and thereafter create space and time to begin working on this.
In my experience, this was one of the trickiest parts of adopting a Kindfulness practice, because I often didn’t realize I was being judgmental until long after the fact. I was finally able to gain control over my oversights once I made it the focal point of my awareness for almost an entire day—every time I developed a thought, I would question myself right after about pre-conceived notions that my thought enveloped. I noticed a major shift in my ability to be aware of my judgements after I forced myself to pause after every thought to do this. Now it has become a very normal and automated process for me to assess whether my thoughts reflect judgment.
Beginner’s Mind
By the time we become adults, it’s so easy to think that we have heard, seen and experienced everything. But life is forever changing and no moment is the same as another, even though they may appear to be. When we pay attention to the present moment, we are able to notice the subtle yet profound nuances of each unique moment, which contains unique possibilities and prevents us from getting stuck in the rut of our own expertise. This is how one of the core principles of Kindfulness~ Beginner’s Mind ~reminds us of this simplicity.
We can develop and strengthen this ability by working on not letting our experiences become filtered by assumptions, previous similar experiences or what we believe we already know. Pretend you are an alien who is new to earth, or even a baby, and experience everything like it is the first time.
Interestingly enough, when we truly learn to appreciate that life is ever changing, then we do actually experience everything for the first time.
Once I began practising engaging in life with a Beginner’s Mind, life began to feel so much more exhilarating! Not only do I find joy in the most mundane things, like re-reading the same book with my babies (over and over and over again!!!), but simple events like taking a walk around my neighbourhood or going grocery shopping have become adventures I truly look forward to!
Are you able to look at the world— the trees, the bees, the flowers and the stars with a clear and uncluttered mind?
Patience
As cliche as it sounds, patience truly is a virtue. It is also a form of wisdom which demonstrates our understanding and acceptance that everything in life unfolds in its own time. That said, it is by no means easy to believe and/or accept that events in our life will unfold only if and when they are meant to (for our greatest good). But, since we cannot control most things in life (or really anything at all!), we have no choice but to live in the present moment; rather than fixating on a future that is not guaranteed to us, and which may very likely look a lot different than we imagine or wish that it would!
It is helpful for me to remind myself that rushing does not actually make anything come faster, and that it can actually delay what may come, if rushing means I forsake quality efforts for expedient ones. When I find myself scrambling to get something done in haste, I try to remind myself of what exactly I am trying to achieve and whether speed is more important than quality and giving it my best effort—most times, this is enough to compel me to be more patient with myself and my circumstances.
Trust
Having trust in ourselves, our feelings, beliefs and our intuition/innate knowledge is not only an integral part of Mindfulness, but also a critical ingredient for success and for finding and maintaining peace of mind, heart and body. Being true to who we are and aligning our actions with our values and intentions is the only way we can ensure that we are on the right path— towards embodying our highest self. Although this does not mean that we should not be open to learning from others, what it does mean is that we are the only ones who can know what is best for us, so, we have to believe and have faith in our own authority and decisions. In honouring our own feelings and beliefs, we avail ourselves to becoming more fully ourselves.
Growing up, I was taught (like most of us) to trust facts—now I find myself questioning what is even a fact! I was never taught about, let alone encouraged to follow, my intuition, although I clearly remember innately feeling some things to be true, while others felt foreign and difficult to reconcile with how I perceived life (this is why I turned vegetarian at 8 years old, but we will save that story for another time!).
My journey back home to myself was accelerated once I adopted Kindfulness, and a significant aspect of my momentum was due to enhanced self-awareness, learning to gauge how I felt and what I sensed within me, and most importantly, to trust in these very same thoughts, feelings and sensations. It wasn’t easy to unlearn what had I had been indoctrinated with over the course of a lifetime, but it was worth every struggle I overcame once I learned to trust in myself.
Non-Striving
Many new students of Mindfulness begin their practice in hopes of feeling more relaxed or in an attempt to control their racing thoughts, overwhelming sensations and/or feelings. Not only does this defeat the goal of accepting what is happening in the present moment and simply paying attention to that, but it suggests that we are not OK as we are right now, implying that we are not grateful for what is. It also infers that that we need to strive for something greater—which is antithetical to the practice of Mindfulness.
One could argue that the main goal of Mindfulness is for us to be comfortable being ourselves—and for us to feel complete and whole just as we are. Non-striving is the recognition that who we are is enough, and that striving to be anything else is actually distracting. By embracing who we are and finding comfort in that, we are able to concentrate on all the things that truly matter in the present moment. This new way of seeing ourselves allows us to be free of the burden of trying, so that we can truly just be—perfectly imperfect!
Acceptance
Acceptance is about seeing things as they actually are, in the present moment. When we feel sad, sense pain, or are consumed by worry, we need to accept that this is what is happening right now. This does not mean that we have to be complacent and content with things that are not serving us, but it does mean that instead of being tainted by our biases—of how things should be—we need to learn to see and accept things, in our life and in the world around us, the way that they really are.
Many of us waste a lot of time and energy denying and resisting the ways things are, and by doing this, we are basically trying to force situations to be the way that we would like them to be, which creates more tension and actually can prevent positive change from transpiring. Acceptance can help us to set the conditions for embodying the appropriate emotions and energy to manifest what we want.
As a former idealist, acceptance was another difficult shift for me to make. But, once I began to lean into acceptance, I almost immediately experienced the relief it provided, by eradicating feelings of resistance and actually enabling me to focus my energy on changing what I wanted to be different in my life. After that, it became so much easier to continue leaning into acceptance.
Letting Go
We often become so fixated on our own thoughts, desires, world views and agendas that relaxing and letting go is more difficult than it needs to be. As a result, we struggle to focus on what matters. But, in order to be mindful, we need to be able to release ourselves from worry and to focus our attention on what is happening in the here and now. Learning how to let go or to let be and sit with the present moment is at the core of mindful living.
Holding on and letting go occur in both the physical sense (think muscular tension), as well as in an emotional sense. Unfortunately, most of us are not taught how to let go emotionally or physically.
When we begin to pay attention to our inner experience, we quickly discover that our minds and bodies are desperate to hold on to certain thoughts, feelings and situations—as if it would be threatening to let go—all in an attempt to protect ourselves.
Even thought it is very common for us to cling onto what is pleasant and to push away what is unpleasant, these are both reactive states (versus responsive) and keep us from living mindfully. Further, we become trapped when we refuse to let go and cannot move on to what may be a better situation or way of thinking or being, because we stubbornly hold on to the old and get caught in our own attachment to things being a certain way.
Breath reminds us of the necessity of letting go, because every time we inhale, we have to exhale and release our breath. The cycles of receiving and releasing are actually the natural rhythm of life.
Letting go or letting be are a way of being in the world and not just an action—it is a way of holding onto things loosely and calmly, so that we can quiet our ego which tries to convince us that we are the centre of the universe, when in fact we are all connected to all things, all people, all of life and the source of all life. In this way, learning to let go and let be moves us from the egocentric living that most of us are stuck in, to a more collective conscience and reality.
When I found myself struggling with letting go, I was advised by one of my mentors to imagine holding on—which is the opposite of letting go. Letting go is actually what we do when we surrender to sleep, it is what allows us to finally fall asleep. Oddly enough, thinking about holding on helped me to practise letting go and letting be in wakeful situations.
By letting go and letting be, we surrender to mindful action or mindful rest—which both require our presence and participation.
Compassion
Compassion is our response to suffering—both in ourselves as well as in others. However, we can only notice suffering when we are mindful, aware and present. This is how compassion and Mindfulness are connected, and why cultivating compassion begins with a foundation of Mindfulness.
Whereas Mindfulness focuses primarily on acceptance of experiences, compassion focuses more on caring for the experiencer. While Mindfulness asks, “What am I experiencing in this moment?” compassion asks “What do they/I need right now?”. When Mindfulness says, “Feel your suffering with awareness,” compassion reminds us to “Be kind to ourselves and others when we suffer.” Mindfulness and compassion clearly work well in partnership with one another, by enabling us to live with less resistance toward ourselves and our lives.
Sitting meditation helped me cultivate mindfulness and awareness by making me more attuned to compassion, through the practice of loving kindness and compassionate visualizations. In combination with refraining from judgment, adopting a beginner’s mindset, being patient, trusting in myself, accepting what is, letting go and not-striving, becoming aware of and responding to suffering—in myself as well as others—with compassion and kindness, activated a shift in my perspective as well as in my life.
It wasn’t until I learned to truly be kind towards myself and others, despite inner and outer imperfections, was I able to embody the strength and resilience required to truly thrive.
If and when we fully accept that life is painful and can be kind to ourselves and others in spite of this pain, we can be with the pain, with greater ease, as well as move beyond it and be better because of it. This lesson was, for me, the greatest lesson thus far in my journey and because of it, I am able to find peace and calm amidst life’s greatest storms.
There you have it—the core principles of Mindfulness. As you can see, they are all very intricately linked to one another, yet distinct. If you have any questions or seek further clarification, please don’t hesitate to reach out. I’d love to share my knowledge and experiences with you.